New Year’s resolutions are for quitters. Instead, just cover up your vices with our handy guide.
Each New Year brings with it a reoccurring promise to oneself to make better life choices. The only problem is, that almost always translates into giving up the only things that make life tolerable – namely, food, booze, porn, and other vices. So this year, rather than focus on what we’re going to give up, here are five ways we plan to carry on with our depraved excesses – but with a covert twist.
Watching porn is one of those tolerated bugaboos that your significant other knows you partake in every so often – kinda like that five minutes of freak show viewing of any TLC TV show. Despite its increasing acceptance, stumbling across a cache of porn with keywords that, incidentally, sound quite similar to TLC lineup (Amish, little people, cake) can put a strain on any relationship.
Enter the Apple-compatible Victorinox Swiss Army 32GB Jetsetter Flashdrive. Covertly save your spank bank stash on a stylish drive so you can log on and get off any time you want to without prying eyes and a Google history there to judge you. Plus, since the Victorinox serves a dual function as a Swiss Army knife, carrying it around all the time will seem a lot less suspect.
For the uninitiated, Spanx hosiery is that not-so-secret dirty little secret that woman often employ to “tighten” problem areas on their bodies. Well, this is the age of gender equality, so why should we have to shed the pounds in real life when we can just toss on a pair of Spanx for men and make it appear as if we have chiseled muscles (albeit, stuffed inside of a Vienna Beef hot dog)? Forget the fad workouts like CrossFit or the P90x and pick up a couple pairs of Spanx; then proceed to bathe in the glowing compliments that await you in 2013.
Cigarette smokers are the modern day lepers: no one wants to be around them. More and more businesses, bars, and restaurants insist that smokers not only abstain from smoking inside, but also in the surrounding areas. Changing political sentiments regarding marijuana, on the other hand, show a trend toward leniency with respect to the formerly illicit drug. With complete legality in Colorado and Washington – as well as 17 other states (and DC) with medicinal marijuana programs – you don’t have to give up smoking altogether; just hit the bong instead. And if you can’t do that, keep a pack of electronic cigs on-hand (like EverSmokes or NJOYs), because it’s better to look like a jackass than get cancer.
Much like porn, if you can think of something, it’s probably on the Internet somewhere. Lucky for all of us slovenly men out there, the idea of a sexy maid doesn’t have to be a fantasy reserved for Halloween. It turns out that there’s a quaint little service out there that will supply a completely nude woman to clean your entire place for $80 bucks. Even better, Sexy Maids For Hire’s website indicates that, “clients are welcome to be dressed however they wish, including nude.” Is it incredibly creepy? Absolutely. But aren’t all the best things in life?