Men and women only really “communicate” in the movies. Especially in terrible Meg Ryan chick flicks, where all the men are sensitive and all the women have pouty lips. In Hollywood’s fantasylands men and women sit down, stare into each others eyes and tell it like it is.
In reality, both genders generally just lie to one another. Usually, honesty is the best policy, but sometimes a lie is just a heavily-sedated, declawed truth. Lying can be a great way for couples to bury issues, foster resentment and add to the cloud of general misunderstanding that hovers between them! The problem here is that women are just so much better at it than men. Maybe it’s because women are smarter than men, or maybe it’s because men just have problems with words.
Are you a man who thinks you’ve been lied to? Are you a woman looking for a new lie to tell your man? The truth is out— here’s a list of 10 dumb lies women tell their men to avoid having to actually tell them what’s up.
Lie #1: “Nothing’s wrong.”
The truth: Seriously? Of course something is wrong. Isn’t there always something wrong? If it isn’t his mangled toenail clippings smattering the bathroom floor, it’s his lack of empathy for the women on Army Wives. Sure, it’s sweet that a woman is willing to take it all in stride, but that’s only if stride doesn’t mean a death stare and a three-week dry spell.
Lie #2: “Size doesn’t matter.”
The truth: If McDonald’s two-story cheeseburgers and keg-sized sodas at the gas station can tell us anything about American culture, it’s that we like things big. Women are no exception, despite what they claim their thoughts are on the size subject. Guys, don’t get it twisted — a woman will tell you anything to stroke your ego (instead of, well…), but the truth is, she loves you anyway, small peen and all.
Lie #3: “I’m cool with you going to a strip club.”
The truth: Men, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. This is actually a brilliant subterfuge passed down by great women since Helen of Troy. The woman gives the man just enough room to do something completely ridiculous and then uses her subsequent rage run amok for months, without repercussions. Are you really surprised we thought of this? I mean, if you weren’t with us for our quick wits, you’d obviously be dating a stripper.
Lie #4: “You’re the best I’ve ever been with.”
The truth: Didn’t your mother ever tell you she loved you more than your sister? Sure, she probably didn’t really mean it, unless your sister was one of those out of control teens on Sally Jesse Raphael. It’s the same with woman and sex. The better you feel about your performance, the more likely you’ll be able to actually perform.
Lie #5: “It’s okay you forgot.”
The truth: Its okay you forgot. A man forgetting important events is like a terrorist attack on a woman’s heart. Though she may move on, she’ll have to bear the scars of that fateful day forever. And while there’s always a subtle, disembodied fear that it could happen again, she likes to hope everyone has learned an important lesson from the grave tragedy she’s had to endure.
Lie #6: “I don’t usually do this.”
The truth: Like the pathetic excuses of a hog-tied chap on Cheaters, women like to act like every one-night stand or risqué sexual practice is a brand new thing for them. Don’t believe them – they’re actually that slutty. But so what, don’t men secretly like that anyway?
Lie #7: “I wouldn’t change anything about you.”
The truth: This is only true when a woman is in love, which lasts about a week. But believe me, after that she starts keeping a dossier of blueprints in her mind, constantly re-sketching better and more appropriate versions of you from her reflections on Marie Claire articles and pictures of underwear models.
Lie #8: “I love your friends.”
The truth: Women like those piggish apes as much as men like their girlfriend’s pudgy, Camry-driving maid’s of honor. Enough said.
Lie #9: “I never think about my ex.”
The truth: If your boss asks you if you’re happy your new job, of course you’re going to say yes. Same is true in relationships. After all, no one wants to make things awkward at the coffee machine.
Lie #10: “You’re right.
The truth: You’re not. You never are and you never will be. If there’s one feeling men and women share about each other, it’s this. And it’s the fact that all relationships, nay, all gender communication turns on. Only thing I can say is…get used to it or get a good lawyer.